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sweet tea

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[27 Mar 2016|06:03am]
Spent the last hour or so reviewing old friends journals and its obvious this site is dead.

Here is the short version.

I own a small plot of land near the middle of nowhere with my wife. Where we are raising our son who likes soccer more than I understand. I help run a small remodeling business.
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[15 Jul 2010|11:47pm]
I recently started a new job. I still work in the family business when I can, but that is on the back burner now. That was a really hard choice for me to make. Staying loyal and at the ready for the business or a steady paycheck. Well I have waited at the ready for years. I still feel like I am letting them down or something.

I now am a field installer for a company that makes display cases and cabinets. They have contracts with Verizon and Sprint and Western Union. Basically every large chain you have ever heard of.

While I'm at home, I work in a wood shop which I love. But the main part of my job, is to get on a plane and fly to places like Denver or Salt Lake City and then renting a car and driving for hours on end to places no one has ever heard of and installing cabinets I spent the week before making.

I am loving the whole thing. I have seen more things in the last two months than the two years before that.

On the other hand, on Father's day I ate dinner in an outback steak house in Provo, Utah with two coworkers. While Shane was camping with my father, mother, brothers and Train.
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[24 Jun 2010|11:29pm]
When I'm lyin' in my bed at night
I don't wanna grow up
Nothin' ever seems to turn out right
I don't wanna grow up
How do you move in a world of fog
That's always changing things
Makes me wish that I could be a dog
When I see the price that you pay
I don't wanna grow up
I don't ever wanna be that way
I don't wanna grow up

Seems like folks turn into things
That they'd never want
The only thing to live for
Is today...
I'm gonna put a hole in my TV set
I don't wanna grow up
Open up the medicine chest
And I don't wanna grow up
I don't wanna have to shout it out
I don't want my hair to fall out
I don't wanna be filled with doubt
I don't wanna be a good boy scout
I don't wanna have to learn to count
I don't wanna have the biggest amount
I don't wanna grow up

Well when I see my parents fight
I don't wanna grow up
They all go out and drinking all night
And I don't wanna grow up
I'd rather stay here in my room
Nothin' out there but sad and gloom
I don't wanna live in a big old Tomb
On Grand Street

When I see the 5 o'clock news
I don't wanna grow up
Comb their hair and shine their shoes
I don't wanna grow up
Stay around in my old hometown
I don't wanna put no money down
I don't wanna get me a big old loan
Work them fingers to the bone
I don't wanna float a broom
Fall in love and get married then boom
How the hell did I get here so soon
I don't wanna grow up
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[03 Apr 2010|01:49am]
"is it ever going to be enough"


Travel light, its going to be a long haul. I'm here to go the distance. My skull is too thick to do anything different. The question that remains to be answered is can you go the distance?

External forces happen to be my strong suit. If by strong suit you assume I mean the ability to ignore.

Fuck you mother, fuck you Shawna, fuck you Ms. Pam, to save time lets just say fuck you. I'm a level playground type guy. Fuck each and everyone of you.

I'm not going to apologize. You can go ahead and file that under "dream".

Punching someone is a effective way to settle things. Might does make right.
You should work hard, everyday.
Tell the truth as best as you know.
When you shake hands make eye contact.
"friend" is a term earned over time not based on common interest.
Friends are worth more than blood.
Family is a relative term.

Be strong, help the weak, pour yourself into everything you do.
Never settle or back down.

The most important thing listen to yourself relay on how you feel. And never feel guilty about your feelings. Use them as a compass.
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[24 Mar 2010|01:49am]
Roof leaks, property taxes, health insurance, cool air intake systems.

Topics my best friend and I talked about the other day when I saw him for our first real social visit in over two months. Even on our "social" visits he needed help fixing up his house. I treated it just like a job in retrospect. When there was nothing else to do I left so I could beat the traffic home.

Fuck me I'm old.

Here I am literally debating on which zip code to buy a house in because of the schools.

Mandarin and Spanish opposed German and Spanish.

Here I am debating the merits of a language and culture to determine which zip code I choose to pay property taxes in. I actually thought about a person I know from China and the one person I knew from Germany. The man from China is by far the sharpest cat I have ever known. And the guy I knew from Germany slept with my best friends girl.

So you see right there how I am not the person meant to be making these sort of decisions.

Currently Shawna and I going through a trial separation. Things have been going smooth as far as I could tell until tonight. When she picked Shane up from school and brought him back and stayed until bedtime. At which time Shane began to cry and ask me if his mommy could stay. Imagines of cowboys in black masks wearing black hats keep flashing through my mind. I get to play the role of bad guy.

The real reason I'm old
I want a wife.
I want a circa 1952 wife.
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[27 Feb 2010|02:19am]
I'm worn out.
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[16 Jan 2010|12:07am]
"If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace."

In my life time I have had maybe four people who have understood me. I think I am lucky with that number. Many summers ago, it feels like a lifetime, Mike (one of those people) and I were sitting on his back deck drinking some seriously overpriced Mexican beer listerning to lazyboy talking about life. I spent the day working on Mike's house for beer, he spent the day at one of his jobs. Mike had three jobs. An automotive designer, a college instructor and a DJ at a bar.

During this conversation Mike said "the best thing for me, is to just keep busy, the best thing for guys like us is to keep busy". Mike has seen me at my worst, I mean haven't showered in two weeks, binge drinking and cranked to the max, crying at a coney island worst.

I think I always knew that was true because I only feel good when I'm busy. When I'm doing the work of five people. Maybe a part of me likes the test of my body or maybe the test of my will. I like being completely alone and working, building things that most people will never even notice. Here I am with my knee wrapped up with an ace bandage (I think I left my knee brace in storage) at 25.

I've spent six weeks idle. A week after nothing I started to have nightmares again. After a few weeks idle they became nightly. The past week they keep me from getting any real rest. Shawna is pissed or annoyed or something that I can't explain my nightmares. I can't explain them any better than I can't explain the joy I feel being busy figuring out problems.

I once, when I was young tried to tell my mother about my nightmares. She of course called them gifts. She told me about whispers from my elders. I thinks she's half nuts and I'm certain I have a form of bi polar disorder. At least that's what I have been told. The strange part though, is that my mother has been able to tell me brother's with in five days of every time they have been arrested.

I know that I don't have the ability or at least not the will to express them. During that time is when my journal goes silent. During those nights waking up feeling pure fear. I just don't know what to say.
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[27 Nov 2009|01:54am]
I miss being amazed. I miss that youthful, gleeful excitement when a band rolls through town or when a movie is about to open. That feeling of if now then never. When everything had a price tag of "at any cost, by any means"; and I was willing to pay it.

I have felt love. I have broken hearts and had my heart broken. I've cheated and been cheated on. I have been guilty and wrongly accused. I have been shamed and proud. I have been in car wrecks, been shot at, had people try to stab me, been in fist fights, I've won and lost sporting events, been flat fucking broke and have had more money than I know what to do with, stayed up for days sober and altered. Slept for days with opium dreams. Made mistakes, lost money misplaced my keys and values. I've been the life of the party and a party of one. I've went for a midnight swims in the ocean, and traveled to places I care not to remember. I've held sharks. I know how to clean and cut animals. I have won how smart are you (engineering awards). I have built hovercrafts. I have ran from the cops and got away. I have spent nights in jail. I've walked my son into his class. Held him when he was scared or sad and felt the need to kill his nightmares. I have walked the ledge 34 floors off the ground. Meet famous and/or rich people.

Nothing amazes me anymore. Nothing a person I know can do or say shocks me. The government are crooks, the environment is shit and everyone you can think of as would trade you off for a nice house in the hills.

After everything I've seen and been through, I just want to be left alone. I'm tired of having conversations I have had before. I'm tired of doing things I have done before. I'm tired of it being left up to me. I want to be amazed again.
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[07 Nov 2009|12:47am]
I really really should stop cutting my own hair.   I wonder what a trip up to birch run would do for my look.
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[20 Oct 2009|01:41am]
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Looking forward to an actual night out, but not the reason for it.  I have crow's feet and gray hair, and I'm going to be an antique. 
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[07 Oct 2009|01:31am]
The Dwarves said it best When they said "fuck the world, I will deny you".

No more than two cans a day, step aside I have long days.

No more than 4 doses a day, step aside I feel like my arms have been ripped off.

The pain plays games up and down my spine.  Tempting and daring me to move, just waiting for me to move in an unapproved way.  The difference between here and there is that I can literally see what's coming.  I can see me when my health begins to fail.  I can see me when my hearing begins to fail.  I can see me when my heart hurts with too many beats.  Smack me in the skull, I'm still standing in line. 

I'm not good at anything else.  I don't want to be good at anything else.  I have a visual memory of what is to come for me.  I'm still here.  I know that with in a couple years I won't be able to feel anything with my hands.  I know that a few years after that I won't be able to see very well because of dust that cuts my eyes.  After that my heart will give out from over use.  I'll get dizzy when my pulse breaks 80. 

You know what I'm sick of hearing, is about how if you want a nice house and to be able to provide then you better be sitting in a classroom somewhere.  As if understanding and accepting the fact that you're not an office person is a character flaw.  I'm a shop guy, I always have been.  I grew up in an area where every driveway had a pick up truck sitting in it.  

At the age 13 I won three state awards for mechanical designs.  From then on I won only  16 more until I dropped out of high school.  I work everyday.  I work when I cough up blood (literally).  I work with 53 stitches in my arm (literally).  And yet I'm still denied that little taste of the American pie. 

Strange how half of me understands and well the other is ready to burn this whole idea down.  My grandparents picked cotton they were natives.  My other set were racist and sexist and white.  Guess who got to take a big old bite out of America and who died in a "mobile home community"?


I guess I have more in common with illegals than the modern day natives.  I'll sweat bleed and abuse myself all over again the next day just to gain another inch.  However if you want my respect, then you must do the same.

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[29 Sep 2009|02:52am]
I was Jealous today.  I was made jealous by beautiful singing from some orthodox Jews.  They believe so strongly.  Not a single doubt.  I wish, I truly wish that I had that sort of belief. 
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[25 Sep 2009|11:53pm]
I heard that they want to impose a two year time limit on fighting for freedom or at least our version of it in Afghanistan.


You stay until the job is done.
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[14 Sep 2009|12:35am]

youtube helped develop a little man crush on the lead singer.
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[14 Sep 2009|12:32am]
Its not very often you get to drop an 8' by 8' sign onto a state highway.
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[04 Sep 2009|05:28am]
Rage doesn't require a preface.  Just know.
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[30 Aug 2009|02:23am]
I have to remember to eat...Literally.  I'm fairly certain most people don't remember at 7 pm today that they didn't eat yesterday and have yet to do so today.  I really don't value food. 
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[27 Aug 2009|02:48am]
Wound up and worn down.  Feeling good though.
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[16 Aug 2009|03:05am]
So today was another one of those annual work parties.  I realized something earlier today.  While sitting on a cooler having such deep conversations about the differences between smoking and grilling ribs and the pros and cons of a carborator or fuel injection.  What inspired the latter topic was a Chevy 454 big block (duel carborator). 

Fuck, I'm part hillbilly.

"My uncle Bubba used to own a mint green monster truck; but he had to sell it after his neighbors in the mobile home community complained about the noise"

^   that is a true statement.

Damn it, I read poetry, listen to NPR and I can't stand the taste of Budwiser.  I like to play chess and have kissed boys before.  Right now I'm listening to the Cold War Kids.  I shave my entire body for fucks sake.  

And yet, I like pick up trucks, enjoy camping and tools.

     Leaning back in a chair letting my mind mole this over I happened to glance towards Woodward where I saw a primer black truck with a Rebel flag attached to the tailgate of the truck, not 30 seconds later Earl (white hillbilly I mean beer belly no shirt Hillbilly) walked up to Anthony (Black Black man) and asks him if he's cooking some soul food and then informed Anthony that he brought extra watermelons for him.  Anthony replied with "I'm glad you and your sister are so close, kissing each other like that". 
    Now maybe I live in a weird little shell.  Because that's how things are for me and always have been.  Earl and Anthony have both known me since I was a boy.  In my little shell our differences actually our stereo types are nothing more than a joke for us.  I guess its been on my mind lately, with the first black president and then that Harvard professor getting arrested for breaking into his own house. 
    Call me silly but I don't think the fact that there is a black man who is President is that much of a mile stone for "race relations" when he is referred to as the first black President.  Yeah great, he's black o.k. he can dance but will he be a good President?  That's what I care about.
    And that Harvard Professor would have been arrested, charged and held  if he was anyone but who he is, not because he's black because he was being a dick to that cop.  I'm a halfbreed but I look a Northman, and I've been slammed to the ground and cuffed by both white and black cops.  In all fairness I was being a dick.  Every time I've been polite and explained myself I've been treated the same with one exception.  Even then that was only one of several cops who were on "scene". 

I personally rather keep joking about our stereo types over some food. 
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[06 Aug 2009|11:41pm]
OK if someone causes a car wreck that creates a traffic issue (and assuming they live.), they should be pulled from the wreckage and shot in the gut then left on the side of the road.   

I bet that would cut down on the distractions people indulge in while driving. 

What is wrong with people?  You are in control of a ton of steel.  Literally at least a ton.  It takes 8 psi to break a bone.  Here we are allowing people to control 250 times the weight needed, adding momentum then giving these ADHD fucks mobile social network updates.  Sorry Darwin I'm tired of waiting. 

Needless to say I get several hours a day sitting in traffic thinking thoughts like "could I claim road rage at my trial?"  or "How do you take caffeine out of coffee beans?" 

I drink like three times the amount of energy drinks that the cans suggest.  Who doesn't love self induced mania?  But that helps fun thoughts like "when I donate blood, I wonder if they have to run it through some methylene chloride to make it usable".
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